The following excerpt of epic poetry was unearthed from the Lower School science garden on a series of broken stone tablets. Diligently pieced together and translated into English by real-life Westridge Latin 4 students, it provides archeological evidence of Westridge students’ social anxiety as a long-enduring historical phenomenon.

O elusive creatures,

Deep in voice and high in length

I invoke the muse to help me recall

The tales of your deeds.

Once in a distant land of long division

and snack time

(I believe it was called elementary school)

I witnessed you

Pick your nose.

It grossed me out

So I escaped to

Lead a life of impact

And eat french fries for lunch

Every day. 

Now you are but distant memories 

And murky shadows searching 

For the very few accommodating bathrooms on campus

(Sorry about that; 

we really kind of weren’t expecting you

 to like, actually be here).

Comrades at co-educational institutions

Tell me stories of your exploits. 

I hear

You play water polo in the spring

When the weather is warm

(While our season is winter; how is that not sexism?)

I would not however know

Because I don’t want to see you in your Speedos, anyway.

I watch you on TikTok

Eating Tide Pods

And contemplate the nature of your being, 

I anticipate the day

the Fates will send me away

to intermingle with your kind

once again.

College.