=After mental-breakdown March and one-more-assignment April, I’m sure your grades are suffering as mine are. Still, in these last few weeks of school, I am willing to provide you a chance at redemption with these insanely simple hacks. With these, you might just end up with a Westridge B—an A-.

Physics

Studying will not save you. No matter which teacher you have, it is an irrefutable fact that all physics teachers appreciate physics puns. Be sure to write some on either your index card formula sheet or ask ChatGPT on your open note, open computer, internet on, Google open, partner physics test to find some knee-slappers. (This author’s favorite? “μ μ μ μ, μ μ μ μ μ”)

History

Rub the faces on the Communist Hottie wall until you’re confident you understand all of the ins-and-outs of the Cold War. If your situation is truly dire, try to bribe a certain history teacher with a new custom Mr. Raines mug or coffee beans—teaching ninth grade is hard enough without caffeine.

English

Call upon the gods of the English department: Toni Morrison, Margaret Atwood, and William Shakespeare. Don your habit and perform an interpretive combination of Beloved and Hamlet—bonus points if you do more than just reading the SparkNotes. Also, add some of your own English teacher’s poetry to your anthology. A little birdie told me that if you Google them, you might just find an on-theme gem.

Biology

Did you know that if you whisper the names of biology terms it forms a spell to increase your grade?—not that anyone needs it. While you’re coloring in your cell parts coloring sheet, repeat after me: DNA polymerase, hemoglobin, ribosome, isomer. 

Chemistry

Now here’s where the real magic comes in. Avogadro told me that if you perform a perfect—and no, not a curved 100 perfect—titration, he will come down to whisper the correct equations to use during the final. And, if worse comes to worse, you can come up with a poster to boost that grade from a 92.5 to a 93. I think the classroom is in need of a strong acid poster—I’m thinking “Now You See Me, Now You Don’t.” 

Ethics

Come up with a true ethical dilemma that kept you from performing your best this year. Do you take public transport? Trolley Problem. Own a cat? Schrodinger. Think as hard as you can to explain away your grades, and if all else fails, ask to see Ms. Greenstone’s volunteering pictures. They may not help your grade, but they sure will help your morale. 

Modern Middle East

Tell Ms. de Grijs to check the news. Whatever’s on is sure to be more shocking than your recent IWA grade. If you really want that A, bring in some baklava to comfort her after the realization that Kissinger might not be the rock bottom of U.S. foreign affairs. After, review the seventeen documentaries you remember in their entirety to finish up the writing you were supposed to turn in months ago.