Tuesday: A How-to Guide


Sue M.

If all else fails, turn off your video and conk out on your keyboard.

Before giving in to your ill-advised instincts and lying about the state of your wifi connectivity, try our minute-by-minute guide to a successful school day: 

8:25 a.m.: Roll out of bed onto the floor and bitterly contemplate your life decisions.

8:32 a.m.: Attempt to hide your Shrek pajamas from your judgy advisory. 

9:40 a.m.: Be instructed to go outside and look at some nature by a teacher “concerned about your screen time and general wellbeing.” Scroll on Instagram instead.

10:26 a.m.: Try paying attention; confuse your brain; realize how much homework you have to do; panic; hear something about a research paper due tomorrow and realize that, somehow, it’s suddenly 11:40.

11:45 a.m.: Subconsciously eat an entire tub of Trader Joe’s French Vanilla ice cream while watching The Bachelor

Don’t forget a balanced lunch!

12:31 p.m.: Forget that class started a minute ago; brainstorm an elaborate excuse about the pig who ran into your wifi router. 

3:10 p.m.: Wake up and realize you’re the only one still in H block. 

3:14 p.m.: Play Among Us for an hour. 

4:12 p.m.: Face interrogation from parent convinced that you’re scamming old ladies through fake knitting club emails and/or texting secret internet boyfriend.

6:00 p.m.: Attempt YouTube ab workout. Fail miserably. Make snow angels on the hardwood floor and sob.

Exercise is an important part of any student’s day. (Sue M.)

6:30 p.m.: Sit through awkward family dinner wherein no one actually wants to talk about their day. 

7:15 p.m.: Resign yourself to that long-procrastinated essay, if only to avoid one more overdone dad joke. 

9:30 p.m.: Engage in angry one-sided political text chain.

9:45 p.m.: Flip from one subpar Netflix show to the next. 

11:30 p.m.: Fall asleep in your desk chair to the lull of oddly entertaining generic gardening design/food competition/home organization show. 

8:50 a.m.: Wake up. 

8:51 a.m.: Mentally prepare yourself to mentally prepare yourself for Wednesday. 

8:52 a.m.: Fall asleep.