Help! Every time I eat a breakfast burrito from the Commons, I find myself crying in the bathroom with explosive diarrhea. You might say to try a muffin or a yogurt parfait, but the truth is, I have an egg addiction. I love scrambled eggs. Their creamy, salty taste is delicious. I love breakfast burritos more than life, but I know I need to stop eating them. Any advice on how I can break up with my one true love?

-Commons Sharter

Dear Commons Sharter,

I, Spy, think that this sounds like a you problem, or rather, a poo problem. First things first, contact your nutritionist; and second, please use poo-pourri! As someone who is a victim of the awful smell that’s been plaguing the campus, I think I speak for everyone when I say: A) stop clogging the sewers, and B) self-awareness is key. It’s time you realize the irreversible consequences of these toilet escapades and put an end to this barbaric burrito behavior once and for all.

Poo better.

 #SaveOurPlanet,

 Spy

Hi I’m new this year and coming in all I wanted was to be a part of a certain friend group. I’m now in that friend group and not sure if I love it as much as I thought I would. It’s weird that something I so desperately wanted is now something I’m not sure about. Everyone in the friend group wears the same clothes and hangs out at the same places and I don’t know if I want to participate in all being the same. Does that make sense? Any advice?

-Forest Wanderer

Dear Forest Wanderer, 

I, Spy, am going to just say that there are two types of people in Westridge: the “carbon copies” and the “people who couldn’t care less” (PWCCL), and one isn’t necessarily better than the other. Carbon copies are for people who like having no personality similar interests, and PWCCLs, for people who are not like other girls unbothered and stay true to who they are. It seems to me that you are a #PWCCL, and when encouraged to do certain things (i.e., be blonde, wear lululemon, go to urban, etc.), it feels unnatural and unfulfilling.

But in all seriousness, peer pressure is real and being constantly impacted by it isn’t healthy, so if you deem the feeling of personal loss not worth it for the friendship gain, then try something new! Yes, the grass is always greener on the other side, but…you also don’t know what the possibilities are if you haven’t tried. 

My recommendation—don’t turn into a shining twin. Resist the urge.

“Some places are like people: some shine and some don’t.” -The Shining

For ever, and ever, and ever,

 Spy

Dear Spy, I am new at Westridge, but my closest friends aren’t. They are always commenting or joking about their other years together and leaving me hanging. I really want them to like me. What should I do?

-Helpless

Dear Helpless,  

I, Spy, am going out on a limb here, and presume that in the beginning of the year, you tried making friends, sat with some people, and found yourself sucked into some random friend group…and have been stuck since. 

But there’s one fatal flaw: these friend groups tend to be pre-established. In my experience—though you’ve snagged yourself a sweet spot at their lunch table—you must remember that you’re not just a “buffer” to their fixed dynamic. Inclusivity is literally the bare minimum, and if you’re not getting that (i.e., they don’t put any effort into bringing you into the loop, you feel undervalued) then I guarantee that there’s other people who will. Friendship is a two-way street—if you want them to like you, then they should also be putting in effort to make you like them…

 And if you think about it, do you really want to spend time with people whose only sense of humor is a joke that happened in 5th grade? Don’t sentence yourself to that pun-ishment.

Over ‘n out,

 Spy

In dire need on how to generate non-awkward conversation? Or escape the friend zone? Spyglass’s newest advice column, I Spy!, is here to answer your burning questions! For the first time in years, readers of Spyglass can send in questions that they would like answered by Spy, the pun-riddled Spyglass respondent. Spy is open to bestowing answers to any of your questions, so if you’re in a pickle, fear not! Even your worst dill-emmas are no match for Spy.

Simply click on the form below and write in your question—and don’t worry, everything is anonymous to protect our readers’ privacy. Please know that Spyglass does not guarantee a response to a submitted question. As a friend, Spy urges you to reach out to a trusted adult about any serious concerns.

And who am I? That’s one secret I’ll never tell.

XOXO,

Spy